I have a lot of controversial opinions, but maybe my most controversial is that I am a firm believer in never sleeping naked. I’ve tried it in so many different senses — going to sleep fully nude alone, going to sleep fully nude with a partner, and falling asleep clothed and somehow waking up in the middle of the night and stripping down naked (???). The thing is I DO NOT LIKE IT and am eager to convert more people to my way of thinking. In an effort to do that, here are 11 reasons why no one ever should sleep naked.
1. What if — WHAT IF!! — there’s a fire or something? Sorry to put this image in your head but just picture it: Your house is burning, there’s smoke coming in from under the door, you’ve gotta get out fast, but you aren’t wearing any clothes!!! Don’t put yourself in this situation. Be prepared for emergencies; sleep in a T-shirt or something.
2. You need some sort of barrier between your ~parts~ and the bed. I’m not saying you’re a grownup who still pees the bed or has nasty farts that will somehow ruin your bed or something. But wouldn’t you feel better if there was at least some tiny amount of fabric between all those holes and your fancy sheets? I know, I know, gynecologists have said sleeping naked is better for letting your vagina breathe, but loose-fitting cotton boxers are also just fine.
3. It’s way too cold. Did you know your body changes temperatures while you sleep? Well, it does. So what if you wake up in the middle of the night, mid-temperature change, shivering your nipples off because you fell asleep in the nude? Don’t risk it! That’s valuable sleep you could be missing out on.
4. Sleeping naked eliminates the need for pajamas, which are great. It’s truly a shame we as a society have not yet evolved to allowing pajamas in the workplace, because so many of them are so cute. If you only ever sleep naked, you never have an excuse to buy cute pajamas, and why remove that tiny sliver of joy from your life?
5. Sleeping naked makes getting up to go pee or get water in the middle of the night too annoying. If you sleep naked and have roommates (if you don’t, hello, are you rich?), getting up in the middle of the means either (1) tiptoeing around in the nude like a caveman approaching its prey or (2) sleepily throwing on some sort of clothing to venture out into the apartment for water or the bathroom. Eliminate this nonsense by sleeping in clothing.
6. Your partner might take it as a sign you’re a 24-hour fuckstation. IDK, IDK, but in my household, nudity is something that comes right before sex. Not that nudity is inherently sexual but stripping down is a good way to indicate “hello, yes, I am ready to do it now.” If you sleep naked, what if your partner takes it as a lil hint that sex is always on the table, even at 3 a.m. in the middle of a really solid REM cycle? No!
7. Because you didn’t splurge on the more expensive Ikea sheets and yours low-key feel like printer paper. So you made a rookie mistake and bought DVALA sheets instead of springing for the slightly-more-expensive set of SKUGGLILJAs, and now, every time you get in bed, you feel like you’re chafing. Sleeping naked is only going to exacerbate this issue. Put on some soft and cozy clothes.
8. Your one roommate has an awful habit of walking in without knocking. Look, your roommate is never going to change, no matter how many times you ask her to knock. But what you can change is your ability to sleep wearing pajamas.
9. Be honest: You never wash your sheets. Your compromise upon buying those $300 sheets was that they’d be your only pair. But then you forgot that only having one set of sheets means you can’t leave them sitting in your hamper or in the dryer — you’ve gotta change and replace ’em all at once. The result? You never wash them, they are disgusting, and you don’t want to sleep in a pile of you own filth every night, do you? Put on some PJs.
10. Be even more honest: You need something to sop up all your night sweats. Preserve the lifespan of those pristine white sheets that make your bed look like it belongs in a hotel and sleep in a shitty tshirt that can get as sweaty and gross as you want.
11. It just feels better, OK!?!? There is nothing cozier in this world — not even being naked — than a big T-shirt and undies. It’s the best clothing combination and you should be allowed to wear it all the time. But you can’t. So wear it for as much time as possible in your sleep, and save nakedness for showers and sex.